Baby Nurse VS Post-Birth Doula

This is my newborn baby the day after she was born. I remember driving home from the birth center where she had been born just a few hours earlier, she was in her car seat that the midwife had installed for us because we had not yet done that yet. Four hours after our little girl arrived into this world with a room full of women there to support my husband and I we were home tucked into bed alone with our new child. There was no sleep that night. I sat and watched her breath, tried to nurse when she let out any sort of a noise, and cried when she did. Both my husband and I were terrified, joyful that things were OK, that we had a healthy baby girl, but we were scared. What now? How does she know how to breath? How does she know how to nurse? I don't know how to nurse. What is the red spot on her face? Does she have a fever? She feels warm. Do all babies make that noise and what do I do with that sump on her belly left over from where she was once connected to me?

These are all normal feelings for new parents. Our child made it through the night and so did we, and so do many other parents. I wish we had not been alone, I wish I had a post-birth doula go home with me after my birth and get us through that first night. Letting us know that our child was fine, walking along-side me as I nursed my newborn, and allowing us to be calm and restful.

This is the job of a post-birth doula. This is my job. I have been a birth and post-birth doula for about five years now. My practice has had one major change, and it was after experiencing the birth of my daughter. I now put a lot more focus on post-birth care. So what does a postpartum doula do for a new family?

 

A postpartum doula is a woman who walks along side the family as they welcome in their newborn child, and adjust to this new human, meet its needs and figure out how to care for this tiny new creature. Post-birth doulas prioritize caring for the needs of the mother so that she can care for her new baby. The doula helps the mother recover from birth (this is a particularly helpful service to mothers who had traumatic births such as cesarean sections) by providing a restful atmosphere, making teas, and drawing baths. I do what ever the mother needs done, many times this looks different for each mother. I change bed sheets, wash dishes, soothe crying toddlers who are adjusting, rock newborns so that mommy can take a long hot bath, cook meals, arrange food trees. I assist with breastfeeding, encourage new techniques, help mom learn how to use a breast pump. I have spent the night with mothers so that she can get rest in between feedings and know that if her baby wakes its being soothed, rocked, and cared for and she can rest until she is needed again. I recently attended a Jewish Bris and according to the mother, brought calm to her during the ceremony. I helped settle the baby, the mother and helped the grandmothers put the house back together after the event. I help mothers learn to swaddle, and use baby slings. I also find resources for the mother if she or her baby have a specific need. Post-birth doulas tailor each job to the individual needs of the mother. This is not a job that has a specific job title, I change it each time a mother hires me, because her needs are not the same as the other mothers' I have cared for. Each woman deserves to be cared for after giving birth in her own home, in a way that makes her feel safe, respected and encouraged. I do not train the mother for specific parenting philosophies, I help her learn to listen to her own instincts and do what is best for her baby, her body and her family. 

A baby nurse focuses solely on the baby. They do not care for the mother's needs, they do not have education on breastfeeding support. They are trained in baby care only, and while they are wonderful people who love babies, they are not trained in looking at the family as a whole, and meeting the needs of the family as a whole. I recently cared for a mother who was originally looking for a baby nurse, after being in her home caring for her and her child for 3 nights, she said to me, " Now I know why you prioritize caring for me. I feel so good having you here to care for me, the teas you bring and the baths you prepare for me make me feel so much better. I feel better caring for by baby because you encourage me and that gives me confidence."     

Bath Toys

I bought this little red kitchen collander about 2 years ago to put in our bath tub as a toy strainer. I wanted to share this fun little idea with you all because it cuter than those mesh bags that hang in the shower, and it collects a lot less mold. The fabric toy tub bags take a long time to dry because they are, well fabric. And if you have tile as the fabric and toys dry and build up mold so will your tile grout. Now my version is not mold free, but I have not washed mine in about 2 years and just noticed a little mold on the bottom (the dark spots you see on the rim is the beginning of rust, so that might be another issue to deal with, but had I chosed a stainless steel it would not be a problem at all).

To add one more comment we do not have a kids bathroom, we all share the bathroom, so its nice to have my little red collander in the corner of the bathroom or tub and see it more as a decoration rather then having our bathroom taken over by kid stuff. I mean having her steal my lip gloss, take all the hair ties, and always join me when I shower is enough kid over-crowding my bathroom time.

Small Reward

Todd sent me a link to Katy Bowser's blog. Its a fun read, she has a post on making pretzels, that is really interesting. Basically she writes that the Latin word for pretzel means "a small reward" they were made by monks as a small reward for children who learned their prayers. They represent a child praying, with arms crossed and palms on shoulders.

Pretzels can be eaten during lent because they do not have fats and eggs in them (Katy has the recipe on her site). I tried to explain all of this to Marin. Mainly the part about kids memorizing prayers.

She calls them prayer pretzels. After making a few she said, "These prayer pretzels can be for the little kids in Haiti." Some days she just breaks my heart.

No Impact Man

Last night we finished this documentary. My husband saw it last year at a film festival.
He has been counting down the months to the release of this film so that we could watch it together. I highly recommend this film to all. While going off the grid, not using toilet paper, and hand washing our cloths might seem extreme to most people, it is interesting to watch a family try this for a whole year. I think that is what makes this project so interesting, that a family has to do it together. For an individual to pull it off it might be easier, but for an entire family to pull it off, it is quite an accomplishment. I don't think very many of us with kids could imagine doing what they did, with child in-tow.

Watching this movie made me think about the book, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, A year in the life of food, by Barbara Kingsolver. Her family commits to only eating locally for a whole year. I think one of the biggest differences that Kingsolver and her family do is that each family member gets to choose one item that is not local to keep in their diet. They choose; olive oil, chocolate and coffee (both must be fair trade and organic) and dried fruits (I don't remember what the rules were for this food). Either way they each got to choose their "vice" in No Impact Man they have no "vice", its a clean cut, over a period of 5 months they "phase out" all the different things in their lives that have impact on the environment. Lastly they go off the grid, meaning they turn off the electricity. For 6 months they have no lights, fridge, heater (in NYC!). And they do it! There is of course some tension between the husband (who's project this is) and his wife (who love fast food, and her daily Starbucks). But its great to see them work together, watch them communicate through the year and take each hurdle one at a time.

I would encourage you to rent this film and watch it. It does not make you feel like you have to go off the grid for life to save the world. But it does make you think about "what can I do to help". Most of all like the Kingsolver book it shows us what is valuable, what is necessary, what has improved our quality of life, and all the other crap we can live without, even if we think we can't. It might be worth a try to give something up just to see if we can manage without it. Ohhh yeah and Lent is coming soon! Great timing for this film.

WATCH THE TRAILER

Give Away at the Cottage.

Some people are so creative. This is a fun blog I came across and she's having a give away from Anthropologie. Which I love, but who can really afford anything from there so its a nice give away.

A Beach Cottage, check her out. What a bunch of great ideas.

The Sturdy Child

I got a new book for Christmas from my husband. High Tide in Tucson, by Barbara Kingsolver. I love and read anything I can get my hands on by Kingsolver. There are a few novels I have not yet read because I know that once I read them I will be twiddling my thumbs until her next book comes out. The book I got is a collection of essays she once published in magazines or newspapers and has revamped them for this book. She also has written 7 more essays just to fit into this book.

Whenever I read her essays I feel like she's one of my best friends who has come over for tea and is sitting on my couch telling me a story. I wish she was one of my friends.

High Tide in Tucson is probably the first book I have read of hers where she talks so much about her personal life, meaning her kids, husband, house, parents, her yard and housekeeping skills, and other such things I would find hard telling all of my readers about, were I a famous author. But on the other hand, as a mother myself I have found many of the things she says about her children or parenting very encouraging, or at least I have had one of those "aaa ha!" moments... several times.

In the essay How Mr. Dewey Decimal Saved My Life, she talks about the literature she was exposed to thanks to her high school librarian asking her to help reorganize books in the school library. It was through this process that she came across, Gone With the Wind, and got the impression that her mother thought the book was a bit too "risque" and this encouraged her teen-self to read it all the more. Although reflecting on the reality of this she now sees that her mom only acted that way to get her to read the book. The point of this essay is that through her reorganizing of the library she came across many books that introduced her to; civil rights, different environmental theories, social justice and other non-discussed issues in her community or school. She feels that being exposed to these topics helped her become a better person and showed her the meanness that humans can present to one another. The harm that comes about because of fundamental beliefs and a lack of willingness to reach out to other humans.

This leads her to of course reflect on parenting and education. This part of the essay was particularly encouraging for me. She gives the argument that parents have every right to teach their children their beliefs, she uses the example of Special Creation and parents who want their kids to believe that the world was designed in one fell swoop. "I don't expect her [Barbara's daughter] school to forgo teaching Western history or capitalist economics on my account. Likewise it should be the job of Special Creationist parents to make their story convincing to their children... It cannot be any teacher's duty to tiptoe around religion, hiding objects that might raise questions at home." She continues, "There is a fatal notion on this earth, its the notion that wider horizons will be fatal. Difficult, troublesome, scary--yes, all that. But the wounds for a sturdy child, will not be mortal."

I love this! This is so true. As someone who grew up in an Evangelical-Midwest home, I remember the day my parents found out evolution was going to be part of the mainstream public school curriculum. At this time I was being taught at home, and this news only brought about a pat on the back for my parents. My parents and many other's I knew were washing their hands with the public system and putting in their order for the next 5 years of homeschool curriculum, "because we don't want our kids being brain washed!" Sadly this form of thinking goes both ways, I know many parents now who will not allow their kids to be a part of anything religious, particularly Christian. I find it funny that our neighborhood school while having a "Holiday" musical included songs about, Chanukkah, Kwanaza and of course snow, and somehow a Jewish holiday is not offensive but a Christian one is. Heaven (no pun intended) forbid those non-religious children get exposed to something their parents are not capable of refuting. Or to put it another way, heaven forbid those religious kids get exposed to something their parents are not capable of refuting.

Barbara makes such a wonderful point, our children who are allowed to see "the other side" and then have long conversations and ask questions at home are going to be the "sturdy" children who will not take fatal blows to their mind or spirit. I grew up with many other home-schooled, religious children who have turned their backs on their family's faith because it was not allowed to question (in our homes or churches). When they faced a challenge, or came across an issue that was not so black and white as they were taught they caved in, they faltered, and they lost hope in their parents words. Because that's all it is, words, if we don't give our children room to ask us questions and have the chance to take it to heart.

This also puts a lot of pressure on parents to "know what you believe". We can't just tell our kids, "capitalism is best, end of story" we as parents have to know and believe in our hearts and minds whatever it is you believe, and allow our beliefs to be challenged by our children. My guess is that my parents must have had doubts in their belief of Creation if they were so angry that it was being taught in school. I would guess someone who doesn't mind their beliefs being challenged would at least have a conversation with the opposing side. There is an amount of protecting our children's innocence that is necessary as parents. No parent would argue that we should let our kids hang out with an abusive person to see if they could survive, or teach them a destructive behavior, for sake of "exposure." But learning about Creation, Evolution, Socialism, capitalism, class segregation, and other topics that might challenge our personal beliefs or make us uncomfortable might in the end make both our children and ourselves sturdier persons.

I want to be the kind of parent that allows our dinner table conversation to be about whatever our children have on their minds. I also want to be the kind of parent that allows my beliefs to be challenged and that those challenges will make me a stronger person, have stronger faith, and be a habitat for my child to always come back to if that is what they want or need. I want my children to see that my faith is consistent and sturdy. I have to admit I do want my children to have the same faith that my husband and I share. But if they choose another route, they are their own persons and I hope I am sturdy enough to love them no matter what route they take. And I hope in the process of growing, I grow too. Above all I want my child to be "sturdy". I want her to know that I am sturdy, and that when we encounter a storm of challenge to our faith or values, it only makes us stronger. These life challenges will not be mortal to a sturdy family.

Mommy Tip

If you like to read, and you like to use your local library, but you have kids in tow and finding anything other than something in the children's department is difficult, than this post is for you. A few years back I was taking are of a little guy who was just six week older than my daughter and about once a month we would visit the library. We loved our trips to the library, picking out new books, reading on the big ABC rug, sitting in the little red chairs, it was lots of fun. But one of the things I could never do was find specific books I wanted to read to the kids. Not because the library was unorganized or because it was not checked in. But because my two little toddlers didn't have the patience to stand quietly and watch me sift through shelves of books looking for the right one! When ever I tried to attempt to find a specific book I spent more time chasing kids down the isle.

Let me pause here and say, if you have never read Honey for a Child's Heart by G. Hunt you need to add this book to your reading list and then you will understand why I had such a long reading list for my kiddies. After reading this book I got very particular about reading literature to children. In the words of Charlotte Mason, I was cutting out the "twaddle" and going only for the high quality books. I really do believe this is important for children to have in their lives. I do not like books that do not tell a good story, advertise (such as Nickelodeon cartoons), or have propaganda (environmental guilt is just not necessary for toddlers!). So all of this led me to have a specific book list.

OK finally to the tip. Most libraries have an online "hold" system. You can find your books, and then put them on hold. This is a really really nice service because you can do the whole, read on the ABC rug and sit in the little red chairs. BUT when you are done you walk up front and just pick up your books. The nice thing about this option is that you can also put books on hold for yourself. This was the nicest treat for me, I love to read a novel once in a while and with child in arms I cannot stand in the adult fiction section just looking at all the books. One of the things I do is visit the NPR book lists and read the reviews on different books and then put the ones that look good to me on hold. Using the library has become a whole new pleasure in our lives.

Another suggestion is that if you have long distance grandparents you can put the same childrens' books on hold at their library and then once you both have them in hand let Grandma or Grandpa read the same book to your kids over the phone. This give kids and grandparents something to "do" together. Especially for little children who don't have a lot to say or get shy on the phone.

Happy Reading!