Second Letter about Postpartum

Meeting our first baby, for the first time, the most amazing moment in our lives... The New Family

When I teach my classes, aside from Bed Rest, Your Rights and Responsibilities, and breastfeeding, I cover a few more things. One is The New Family and the other is Celebration. There are other things but I am going to focus on these final two for my second post on Postpartum Readiness.

The New Family
When a couple is about to welcome a new baby there is a lot of excitement, joy, things to get done, people to contact, baby showers, preparing the nursery, all the "things" babies need... so much energy goes into preparing for the new member who is about to join the family. But there are a few things that often get left out. And once again most OB's don't suggest what I am about to suggest so take notes.

Your Marriage
Its time to get the dirt out from under the rug, clean out the closets and go out for a movie. What I mean is this is a good time (pregnancy) to do marriage care. Or just spend some time together talking about becoming parents together, saying I'm sorry for hurt feelings, and listening to one another. The best cared for baby is not the baby with the Pottery Barn crib (not that there is anything wrong with that brand) or the most high tec monitor, name brand clothing and best strollers. The best cared for baby is the baby who knows his mommy and daddy love each other and together love him.

Your Family
This is the beginning of your new family. You are adding a member and you need to protect this time together. Because mom is on bed rest anyways dad its time for your rest too. While you might need to help around the house more, pick up a few extra tasks while mom is recovering, you do get some rest. But its a specific kind of rest. It is very important that the new family spends time together laying in bed. This is a great time for baby to be skin to skin with daddy (as baby is skin to skin with mama all day when nursing). Some people call this time a Baby-moon, like a honeymoon. Its the time when you lay together looking at your baby, smelling your baby, laughing together when he gets the hiccups, counting his toes, sleeping together, listening to your favorite music, being quiet, watching baby sleep and his eyes flutter and his chest rise with each breath. And all this time baby is breathing in your smells, laying on your chest and learning the rhythm of your heartbeat, and listening to the familiar sound of your voices. This is called falling in love. Many people don't know that's what its called, but its falling in love.

Visitors

One of the wonderful things about having a baby is seeing your community of friends come in and surround you with meals and gifts, running errands or staying with mom if dad needs to leave for something. Having family around meeting your new little person and kissing and hugging your baby. This is all really great. BUT don't let it take over the time you need as a family to be together. Visitors are VERY draining on mom. I have a friend who has had several kids. With each kid she hangs a sign on the front door that says, "We love visitors thanks for stopping by to meet our new baby. If you plan on staying longer than 15 minutes know you will be asked to help with laundry, dishes or cooking." I love this because it lets people know, we are glad you came by, but please either be helping or understand that mama and baby might leave to be in bed. I think that a lot of new mamas and daddies think that when visitors come by they need to entertain them, be hospitable you know that sort of nice thing. Nope you do not. In fact if someone calls just as mama and baby are about to take a nap and says, "Hey we are in the neighborhood can we stop by and see baby?" you can say, "Mom is about to lay down can you come by in 2 hours we would love to see you." In those first few days baby is not on a schedule, everyone is on baby's schedule. If baby needs to nurse and mom wants privacy and needs to be in her room to calm herself and baby she has every right to do that. She does not need to feel like she is disappointing her visitors because she is protecting herself and meeting the needs of her baby. This is her job and only job, not being a good host.

Family
You family might come to help. This is great think of jobs they can to ahead of time, and don't be afraid to ask them to do specific things. Here are ways family can help out.
*Cooking
*Cleaning (I asked my mom to detail my bathrooms after both babies were born--Awesome!)
*Laundry (get all those work shirts ironed! My grandma is really really good at this I saved this job for her)
*Organize that closet you never got to before baby was born
*Run Errands (this give you baby-moon time)
*Hold baby so mom can shower
*Hold baby so mom and dad can sit on the porch alone before the next feeding
(grandmas and grandpas don't see holding baby as a job really)
*Dishes
*Grocery Shopping

These are all things you can ask for help with. My grandma took me to get sized for nursing bras. It was a huge gift and help to have someone with me to hold baby, and drive and know I needed to move slow and nurse (note I did this at 8 weeks postpartum so don't you go rushing out to get bras at the mall... the mall is the worst place to take a baby under a month... under 4 months... ever really).

Now this is another area you need to be able to stand up for yourself. This is the beginning of your family. Its okay if the new family needs time alone in bed away from grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles. Its okay to take baby to bed and have alone time with your baby. In fact many babies NEED this because its too over stimulating. Imagine, you are new to the world, your senses are having all their "firsts", first smells, first shades of lights, first sounds, and its all so bright and loud its not muffled by the fluid and belly. This is very exhausting for baby and baby needs a break.

and finally...

CELEBRATE!

Happy Birthday little Owen Thomas!

This is my favorite part. You need to find a way to celebrate the birth of your baby. This is your baby's first birthday. So... celebrate it! This makes the whole thing fun and exciting. We did birthday cakes for both babies. I also made a special meal for Marin's birth (I froze it a few weeks before her due date) and we took our cake and meal to the birth center and after she got pushed out we had a party. I was of course laying in bed but eating my own food was so very comforting (if you are going to the hospital its likely you will not get to eat during labor and so you are going to be FAMISHED after labor). This can be something you ask grandma to do, "can you bring us dinner/breakfast/lunch we just had our baby?" This is one of my favorite birth stories ever. While there is some heartbreak in it (that is overcome with joy later, but its still a tear jerker of a story), I love seeing how this family was so prepared to celebrate their daughters birth. I love the room full of friends toasting her arrival, I love that amidst the shock of what is going on, there are friends and family there after the birth to celebrate and drink Champagne together. I have been to births where the older siblings come running in wearing birthday hats and sing to the new baby. There are so many things you can do to celebrate the birth of your baby. DO IT, THINK ABOUT IT. How will you celebrate the birth of your baby?

Here is another video, its a knock off of the Reflections of Motherhood from the last post.



Hope you all have a good Sunday, get some rest!

Milk Sharing

A little over a year ago I had a postpartum client who was going to have a medical procedure shortly after she had given birth. Her physician told her the medications she was going to be given would not allow her to nurse for about 30 hours. Because of how close to her son's birth date this was she did not have any milk stored in her freezer or fridge. She called me and asked what her options were. I gave her two; 1. you can use formula or 2. you can use another mother's milk. This is called milk sharing, or finding a donor.

She did some thinking and reading and decided that she would trust me to find a mother to find her some extra milk. I asked a good friend of mine who's life style I knew was safe, or would at least tell us that her milk was unsafe to use if that were the case. Also I chose to call someone who also had a very young baby. It was important to me that if the baby who was going to need the milk was a newborn (just days old) we found milk that was from a mother with as young of a baby as we could find.

Once the deal was arranged, my client drove over to my friends home and picked up a cooler of milk, about 28 ounces. Took it home and everything worked out fine.

While this story sounds a bit weird to some people, sharing human milk, it is an ancient practice that goes back as far as humans have been having babies and nursing them.

My grandma's mother had a postpartum illness that caused her to choose not to breastfeed her. This was before you could run out and buy a can of formula. My grandmother's older sister who was nine years old would carry her down the street each time grandma was hungry and the neighbor would nurse her. It was her only option and I'm so glad she did it!

However, NPR thinks its a new topic to talk about... MOM'S WHO CAN'T BREAST-FEED FIND MILK ONLINE
The basic story line is that mothers who, for whatever reason, may not have enough milk, find a donor through some virtual community including Facebook. That's fine, what bother's me is that some person at the FDA says that Milk Sharing puts babies at "risk". And to that I say, BOOO blah blah blah. Sure if you use milk from a person who lives a "risky" life style or did. But these women are looking at their donors prenatal panel, asking health and life style questions. My guess is that some formula company found out that a bunch of women are choosing human milk over formula and they are not happy about it. I mean can you imagine the nerve, women freely giving each other their breast milk to nourish babies. There are no regulations, rules, corporations, policies, monies being exchanged, no one is getting rich off the idea... just a bunch of moms, with breast pumps taking care of each other, each others babies.


Here is what bother's me about this whole thing, if you can't already tell:

1. Milk sharing exists, and has for a long time. Longer than the existence of the FDA that's for sure. People who put time and energy into choosing to find donor breast milk are smart enough to ask, "Do you use drugs, share needles, had a blood transfusion, have or been exposed to HIV..." They are looking at prenatal panels, and trusting one another. I have my doubts that some drug addict who shares needles with the hobo down the street would want to take the time to pump out extra milk, store it, and give it away...for free. I mean pumping milk is so fun and all, that I'm sure women are lining up to give their milk away. Dear lord people give me a break. Of all the things that the FDA needs to be worrying about, a group of "crunchy" women nourishing each others babies is not one of them.

2. It makes me sad for our society that we have become so isolated from our community (not your town, but your family, best and most trusted friends) that we have to find mothering support from a virtual source. When my grandmother was a newborn even her nine year old sister knew how to get milk for her. Before the days of formula, if a mother needed milk for her baby beyond what she was able to supply, her sister, cousin, sister-in-law, best friend, neighbor would just nurse the baby for her. When a woman needed mothering support she walked through her back gate to visit the neighbor. The shift in our society that has moved us away from family, away from our neighborhoods where we grew up, to places that are unfamiliar. It has pulled the rug of support out from under our feet. I'm not saying that virtual networks/communities are bad, there are mothers living in very remote places (military wives for one--thank you for your service and sacrifice) who find much comfort and companionship from these sources. But what I am saying is that, online milk sharing is not a new thing, the online part is, but the sharing part is not. While it would be wonderful if your sister or best friend lived a few blocks away to bring you her extra breast milk, this is not the support every woman has today. And I'm sad that this is not the way our lives are.

3. If this truly is a formula conspiracy behind the FDA "fear" warning, I want to say this. There are many many babies out there who cannot drink formula because it is not made out of human milk. Most formulas are made out of bovine or soy products, and there are many infants who are not be able to consume this substitute. There are many babies out there who are drinking formula and having many problems due to the consumption of this product (allergies, rashes, respiratory problems, constipation...). For these babies I am so grateful that milk sharing exists, or that it is an option. Please don't regulate milk sharing making it unavailable to children who could have the chance at becoming healthy.

Finally, I want to be clear that this post is not about formula fed babies, or is it meant to make parents who choose formula feel bad about their choice. This post is about how normal milk sharing is and to share my opinion about "policy" getting involved in the process of mothers nurturing one another's babies together, as a community. And to tell the formula companies to keep their greedy fingers to themselves. You have plenty of customers, if a few mothers out there are not choosing you I think you'll survive. Besides milk sharing was here first, so back off.

Trying to Put My Feet UP!

I have in my possession a really wonderful book called, Natural Health after Birth, the complete guide to postpartum wellness by Aviva Jill Romm. My friend Sabrina dropped it off with a bunch of teas and pork chops last week. I have actually never read this book and have not finished it, but I picked it up and realized that it is a wonderful little book of motherly wisdom. I have always told my clients, half joking, that while birth is important to learn about and take seriously, postpartum is what you should spend your time actually preparing for. If there is any fear involved in the process of having a baby, don't waste it on labor pains, invest it in the post-birth time. I'm not trying to be cynical but for most women (and men) the period after the baby is born lasts a lot longer than the birth actually did. But people don't often talk about the longevity of the postpartum time. According the most obstetric definitions, its the six week period after the birth and involves your reproductive organs getting back to their non-pregnant state. However Romm quotes Midwife Raven Lang as saying "As long as the baby is still in diapers and you are up in the night, you are postpartum." Our medical culture does not allow for the holistic view of this precious time. Its does not take into account the psychological, social, emotional and spiritual experience women go through after the baby comes out. Especially for first time mothers. And maybe this is not the job of the medical world, maybe its the job of the postpartum mother's community, her postpartum doula, her family and religious community to take seriously this time in a family's life, to take seriously the post-birth mother, to nurture her, support her and love her.

First time mothers, have a lot to figure out, mainly what does my new roll as a mother look like? What does my career look like with a baby in the middle? Am I still going to have a career, or be a career mom? How does having a baby change the relationship I have with my spouse or partner? Romm writes about the relationship the new mom has with her own mother. This can become complicated if new mom makes different choices or parents differently than her own mother. For example if the new mom's mother was a "stay-at-home-mom" and the new mom decides to continue pursuing her career, or the other way around. I personally have decided that spanking is not for us, we are followers of the gentle discipline philosophy and when my mother found out she was somewhat defensive about spanking. Either way a lot of things change with the first child and all of this gets sorted out in a sleep deprived, raging hormone, muddled brain. Somehow on top of figuring out our new roll as a mother, and what that looks like in our world, we are learning how to nurse, recovering from birth, producing milk (my current super power), trying to figure out what is making the baby cry, why the umbilical stub is bleeding, and is this color of poo normal? All this while being in complete awe if this beautiful baby who is so amazing it makes you cry every time you look at its pink little face.

I just had my second baby last week. In some ways this postpartum is much easier than the first. For starters I'm not so anxious about everything. I'm not loosing sleep to watch the baby sleep (yes I did this with my first, I would just lay awake watching her breath... and I wonder why I had so much anxiety!), my hormones are much less dramatic this time (probably because I am sleeping a bit more), nursing is a bit easier this time around (and this kid was not born with teeth so that's already an improvement from the first) and because of all the above I'm having a lot more fun with the baby. On the other hand its got its difficulties too. I have a three (and a half if you ask her) year old who still needs me to be her mother, I can't just say "I'm on bed rest fix your own lunch" or just hold off our bedtime routine and skip snuggling and prayers while I heal. I'm not spending time in bed healing like I did the first time, and I'm paying for it. My firstborn and I have a relationship that still needs tending to, it cannot be set aside until the baby is a month old. For her I set everything aside for the first month, maybe longer time had no meaning after she was born. I deal with a little guilt for being frustrated with her when she gets bored and does something naughty to get my attention. I feel like I need to do something to entertain her, keep her busy. But then I'm not resting or really doing anything to make progress healing. I also have a little guilt that I cannot be everything I was for her less than two weeks ago, that there is this new little person in the middle that gets in the way of her needs or wants sometimes. And while I know she loves her new baby brother and I want to nurture that relationship between them, she is not old enough to carry him around like she wants to and thus hears "no he's too little" or "please be gentle with the baby" about half the day.

One of the things I really appreciate about the book is that Romm gives us mothers the permission to not have our act together. There is no way to predict which mothers will "have it together" fairly quickly and which ones need more time to sort out the details of mothering... hey if we had to have the details sorted out ever, then most mother's I know would say they never have it all together. Either way I think the point of the book is to let women know that the postpartum period is not easy, its got its bumps and pot-holes, and without a good nights rest you cannot expect yourself to have "your act together". Give yourself time to stumble down your new road and give yourself grace. Don't get upset if you didn't get the laundry done because the baby was up half the night and you chose to nap with the baby instead of having clean underwear and socks. My house has piles of cloths in just about every room, baby stuff that is getting sorted through, clean piles that need to be put away, dirty piles that need washed, and then there's the cloth diapers and borrowed maternity cloths. This morning I woke up and felt like the piles were caving in on me. Tonight they are still lurking around. Spouses don't act shocked if you leave the house and return and the postpartum mama is still in the same spot doing the same thing, even if its been 8 hours. The past few several days my husband has left for work and kissed me good bye at the couch nursing our newborn only to come home 8 hours later and find me in the same spot nursing again! Its kind of comical when he says, "So what did you do today?" to which I say, "Nursed."

Postpartum while it does have its downs can have some really great ups too. I have enjoyed getting to lay on the couch with both of my babies reading good stories and laughing at my firstborns silly stories and songs. I have enjoyed watching Curious George at 4:30 every afternoon, and eating snacks together on the front porch. I have gotten to watch the foot and bike traffic leaving for work or school at the university and then watching those same people walk or ride home at the end of the day. Marin and I have enjoyed watching the cardinals in our back yard during breakfast, and the crazy squirrels digging up who knows what. I have really enjoyed watching my husband take seriously each of the children and making a point to have one-on-one time each day. Now after reading through most of Romm's book while I am still going to try and get rid of some of those pesky piles, at the end of the day if I was needed more on the couch reading or nursing I'm going to let myself off the hook and not be so harsh with myself. I'm trying to take seriously the relationship I have with Marin and the new relationship with Owen, and save some energy for night time conversations with my husband too, if I can find him among the piles.

Getting a tooth removed--memories of postpartum

Yesterday I had a wisdom tooth removed, it had come in a few years ago and several dentist's had told me it was growing in crooked and harming the tooth in front of it. Which at my last cleaning the dentist said this little pest was going to cause that good tooth a possible root canal, which is supposed to be an awful procedure, so it had to come out. Now I know most of you probably got your wisdom teeth out in your teens or college years. I was not so lucky, mostly because this means I had to pay for it (no one in town takes any type of insurance for this procedure CASH ONLY), and that I also was taking care of my toddler in the afternoon. My husband took the greater half of the morning off to take care of us but had a few obligations in the afternoon.

Here was my experience and why I'm writing about it. After the consultation with the Dr he wanted to take my 3 wisdom teeth out for $1500---which we don't have that kind of cash just laying around so buddy just take the one. I also had this idea that as someone who chose natural water birth I would also be able to get the tooth removed with local drugs and no laughing gas...wrong. He convinced me to get the gas in about 3 words, maybe more, but the words "... crack that tooth into about 4 parts.. drill it out" was enough for me to sign up for the $100 fee to get the gas.

They put me in the operating room, and hooked me up to all sorts of heart monitoring clips and started the gas. Now whoever said it was supposed to make me laugh was wrong. "Take a few deep breaths Holli" next think I knew I started crying. Not like sobbing but huge hot tears just flowing out my closed eyes. It was so weird, as soon as I got "high" I could not stop crying. The nurse kept asking me if I was OK and I just said, "yeah I guess". So I have been trying to remember what I was thinking about and why I would have reacted that way. All I can come up with is that I think I got scared that I would be dopey all day and not be able to take care of my baby. I think it was sort of like a postpartum feeling I had experienced the day after giving birth. I could hardly move my body and yet knew I was going to be needed as a mom.

Anyways the tooth came right out in about 5 minutes and before I knew it I was home with some drugs and Marin doing her 2 year old stunts like dancing and singing all day for me.

I think as a mother the thought of being "out of it" must really scare me. I know the feelings I had under the gas were very similar to being in a state of postpartum exhaustion. There were some days my mind was so fuzzy that I had to be intentional about every step I took, every time I carried my baby from one room to another. This lead me to realize that one of the reasons I think the first three months of postpartum were so scary for me was that my mind was not 100% and yet I was responsible for this tiny creature who demanded me to care for all of her needs. Before we have babies our minds are sharp, we are aware of our actions and then the combination of hormones and sleeplessness causes us to doubt our abilities as new mothers. I had a lot of night anxiety for about 4 weeks after Marin's birth, I truly believe this was my mind telling me "you have one hell of a job laid out for you" that burden laying under my hormone/exhaustion cocktail became frightening. All this to be said, I'm sure if I had gotten my wisdom teeth out when everyone else does then I would probably laughed during the gas, not cried.

Oh the joys of parenting can have its funny affects on a woman. While it might cause me to cry under laughing gas, it also causes me to laugh so hard at times I am also crying.



So in my state of numbness and narcotics I made my avatar self. Here is what I'm supposed to look like.

God's Love, Mother's Milk

My husband found this article in Christian Century; God's Love, Mother's Milk: An Image of Salvation. It addresses why the image of the nursing Virgin disappeared in Western art. How most Christians today see "the primary symbol of God's love and care for humanity is a cross" which the author, Margaret Miles, brings up the interesting point that our focus is on the violence brought upon the Redeemer, yet for the "first five centuries of the Christian movement the crucifixion was not depicted visually..." However there is another image that presents God's love for humanity; paintings, drawings, and sculptures of the Virgin Mary, breast exposed, nursing the infant Christ. "In communities under siege from plague, wars and malnutrition, the Virgin's breast was a symbol of God's loving provision of life, the nourishment and care that sustain life, and the salvation that promises eternal life."


I did a Google search for "Madonna Nursing Christ Child" and found so many beautiful images I was almost brought to tears thinking of what this single act of nourishing our children has meant through out all of history to so many children and mothers and ultimately all of humanity. How it is such a beautiful act of comfort and love.

I loved this article and wanted to share it with you all.

Picture by: Guido Reni

What's a doula?

I am a certified doula. I also have my degree in Family Studies and Human Development, which is what led me to become a doula. One of my favorite professors, in her early early grad school days, was a doula , which was the first time I ever heard the word (which I'm going to explain in this post). She used some of her birth videos during the "birth" secion of my Human Development 101 class. Her favorite video to share was the birth she attended in which a huge military first time dad passed out as his son entered the world. We, the students, laughed at the drama, but didn't really get it, seeing as most of us had never given birth. What I loved about family studies was the information we learned about family dynamics, first attachments and how all of this shapes who we are as people and our capacity to love, and have healthy adult relationships, and how all of this starts at birth.

Before I go any farther on the human development stuff let me explain what a doula is and then tie it back to the above. A doula is a labor and birth assistant, in literal terms she is a womans' servant. But to put it in a more understandable way, like what she actually does during labor and birth, a doula walks alongside a woman and her huaband/partner helping meet the woman's needs. A Doulas work has many different tasks, it can varry from showing dad how to do a hip squeeze to relieve back pain, making sure mom is drinking enough fluids, giving foot rubs to parking cars at the hospital so that a laboring woman is never alone and her husband never has to leave her at the ER door. They provide continuous emotional and physical support, encouragement and care, they also serve as an advocate for the mother by explaining hospital proceedures, and routines. One of my favorite parts of being a doula is helping the dad get invloved. Birth can be very overwhelming to a new father, your in a hospital, mom is uncomfortable and there are machines and doctors or nurses saying and doing things he may not understand, is mom OK? I have really enjoyed being able to help dad help his wife. There have been several times I have been at a teaching hospital and nurses or docotrs in training get so into the birth they crowd around the bed knocking the dad out of the way, and the father of the child about the enter the world is going to miss the whole thing! This is the point in which I stick up for the the dad and say, "hey would you mind if the dad could stand next to his wife?" This is just one little portion of my job, but its great to see a father get to take on more invloved roles when someone is encouraging him or just giving him ideas about ways to meet his partners needs. The doula never replaces the husband/partner's roll but can greatly enhance it.

When it comes to the mom, a doula plays many different roles. At my birth I asked a good friend to be my doula, my favorite part of having her there was to have another woman notice the little things that needed done, she washed all the dishes at our house, inbetween putting pressure on my back during contractions (it was nice to come home to a clean kitchen), she pulled my bangs out of my eyes with clips when I was pushing, she kept telling me I was doing such a good job (I remember at one point she said something like "You are are making this look easy, you're doing such a good job" just when I was getting to the point of wanting to give up). My doula sat with me through the delivery of the placenta and told me how amazing my birth was, and that she was excited I had a girl (we didn't find out earlier), this gave my husband the flexibility to sit holding our new child while my doula helped me get cleaned up and into bed... and then she prepared a meal and fed us all and installed the car seat before she went home. She came by and gave me encouraging words when I was trying to nurse ("she's latching on so well, you're doing so awesome!") and feeling like my nipples were about to just fall off. It was wonderful having my husband with me, and he was encouraging, but when my doula said "you can do it!" I knew I could because she had... three times (now four as of 2 weeks ago).

A doula also provides postpartum support, with breastfeeding support, infant care and many other things. I was once hired to sit and hold the newborn so that mom could rest and dad could run a few errands. A doula can also be a great lifeline when you need someone to listen.

I think what I love about being a doula is that by being present for someone's birth the mental drama can be focused on the actual arrival of a baby joining its family, the focus can be on a baby developing its first relationships. I love it that I can be the person who is asked to communicate with the nurse, or who runs to the car for some forgotten item, or stays to comfort the mom so her partner can go and make phone calls, go to the bathroom or talk with doctors. A laboring woman needs to feel safe, encouraged and loved so she can put her energy into welcoming her baby into the world with her partner standing by her side. This is what a doula can offer to birth.

Why Thoughtful Parenting

I am starting a blog that will hopefully become a resource to parents. There are many resources out there, so why start one myself. Well it seems that all those wonderful resources are at different locations. An example, one site might talk about cloth diapering, while you would have to visit another to read about circumcision. One site may discuss the importance of reading to your children, while another gives you ideas of how to interact with books. And none of these sites discuss spirituality in parenting, and they aren't designed to, and that's fine. I am going to put many different topics on this blog hoping to make it a more holistic parenting arena. Please feel free to pass this around to your friends as you see topics you think they may become interested in.

Who am I?
Holli, mom (to Marin 10/06), wife (to Todd), sister, daughter, doula (birth attendant), birth advocate, child advocate, family advocate, nanny, degree in family studies and human development, and friend.